i’ve thought a lot about this post: what would i say? what should i keep to myself? and i’ve wondered if i should share at all. ultimately, i’m choosing to share in hopes that my story of joy and loss will be an encouragement to someone else going through silent heartache.

i found out i was pregnant on march 6th – just days before our 10th anniversary, and i was ecstatic. it felt like eternity between when i found out at 2:00pm and when David came home around 5:30. i tried to wait patiently while he changed and unwound from his workday before i finally showed him a cell phone photo of the pregnancy test, and it took him a good 20 seconds before he could decipher what it meant. i’ll never forget the look on david’s face when he realized he was going to be a father.

8+ weeks and our 10 year anniversary session. photo credit cassidy brooke.

from that moment, everything changed for us. i started drinking water {a true change for people who really know me}, eating healthier, and all of a sudden every thought i had revolved around the little life growing inside me. and i couldn’t seem to keep my mouth shut. david and i talked about how we should wait a while to tell anyone, but i warned him that it would be impossible for me. the first people to hear our news were our close friends kevin and lindsay, as i was taking them to the airport, the very next day after finding out i was pregnant. then i told more close friends, and david insisted that if friends knew, then it was time to tell family. of all the people i shared the news with, i only regret telling my hair stylist {but who can help spilling news like that to the person who does your hair?}.

the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. ~psalm 34:18

there were signs that i might miscarry right around the start of nine weeks, and it was then i started praying specifically for Christ’s overwhelming peace and comfort. and although i’m still grieving, i’ve really had a sense of peace that i can only explain as a gift. two days after losing our baby, i was laying in bed and still in constant prayer for peace and comfort, when two names came to mind out of nowhere – sam and olivia. these were never names that we had discussed and i didn’t have any connection to them, so i couldn’t figure out why i couldn’t shake them. later that night i got a message from a friend, saying that she too had miscarried, and she named her baby “samuel” – meaning “God heard”. i know without a doubt that God was listening to my prayers for comfort, and i was {am} overwhelmed by how much he loves me. we have since named our baby samantha {sam}. God heard my child’s first heartbeat and knew her long before we did. He knew our joy and knows our incredible loss. He hears my prayers. i was so comforted beyond words after naming our baby girl, but then i still wondered why i the name “olivia” was on my heart. after looking up its meaning, i wondered why it took me so long to figure it out… olivia means “peace” – from the olive tree. what a blessing.

i’m leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart. and the peace i give is a gift the world cannot give. so don’t be troubled or afraid. ~ John 14:27

it’s only been one month since we lost sam, and it’s incredible the pain i feel after losing a child i never got to hold in my arms. {although a good friend pointed out that i did hold our baby, for nine weeks and four days.} i’m still grieving, and i’ll never “get over” losing our first child, but i have hope. i have hope knowing that this place is not my home and that one day i will rejoice with sam in heaven. i have hope that there’s a reason the name olivia was written on my heart. i’m a blessed woman and i’m still striving to find my joy in Christ in the midst of my grief. He’s given me amazing family and friends who have been an invaluable support system, and the best blessing of all – david. He’s allowed me to grieve and he’s there to comfort me {even watching “you’ve got mail” for the thousandth time with me}. i’m still praying for peace and comfort, and now i’m also praying for contentment for whatever path God has chosen for me. so far, i’m finding it, and i pray He continues to grace me with His divine peace, comfort, and contentment.

photo credit cassidy brooke.

i can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
but i will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
and it’s all you’ll ever know… all you’ll ever know ~watermark, glory baby

during my last visit with my doctor, she mentioned that the very night we lost sam, she was working in her emergency department and cared for 10 other women who were also enduring the same thing i was. i’m not alone in my suffering, and i’m so thankful that i shared our joy and loss with our family and friends. i’ve been so comforted by the letters, stories, bible verses and hugs of people who know what we’re going through, and i wish that for others, too. if you’re going through heartache, i hope you can let in the people you love so they can comfort you. maybe someday you’ll be of comfort to someone else, too.

*i just got off the phone with one of our nurses and found out that our sam was a samantha. can’t wait to meet our baby girl someday.

Jesus Is the Greatest Joy from Desiring God on Vimeo.

Colorado Natural Light Wedding and Lifestyle Photographer | sam. Colorado Natural Light Wedding and Lifestyle Photographer - Kerinsa Marie Photography

i am so blessed by the people i meet through photography, and i am incredibly excited to work with stacey and justin! when i first got to chat with stacey, it was like getting to catch up with an old friend. Isn’t it such a great feeling when conversation comes that easily? for their engagement session, we met at lair o’ the bear park in morrison as a last minute location change, and i took advantage of every last drop of sunlight! i’m so looking forward to stacey and justin’s wedding at crooked willow farms this summer!

Colorado Natural Light Wedding and Lifestyle Photographer | stacey and justin. morrison, colorado engagement photographer Colorado Natural Light Wedding and Lifestyle Photographer - Kerinsa Marie Photography

natasha’s dad gave james and each of his groomsmen a pendant of pounamu {greenstone}. in the maori culture it’s considered a treasure, and its prestige increases as it’s passed from one generation to another… thank you wikipedia!

natasha and james’ della terra wedding was perfect from beginning to end! maybe it was because they’re new zealanders – i’m not quite sure – but they were two of the most laid back people i’ve ever had the pleasure to photograph, and their family and friends were the same way! i couldn’t have asked for a better wedding start off my 2013 wedding season! cheers to a lovely couple and best wishes for a lifetime of happiness!

Colorado Natural Light Wedding and Lifestyle Photographer | natasha & james. della terra wedding photographer Colorado Natural Light Wedding and Lifestyle Photographer - Kerinsa Marie Photography

natasha and james’ della terra wedding was the perfect start to my wedding season, and i’m looking forward to sharing lots more soon!

Colorado Natural Light Wedding and Lifestyle Photographer | natasha & james’ first look. a della terra wedding Colorado Natural Light Wedding and Lifestyle Photographer - Kerinsa Marie Photography